I thought it looked pretty good. I’d set it up in pin curls with what was left of my hair piled up on top. The sides and back were still shaved, of course. It was so hot that day I would’ve shaved it all off had Frinda not stopped me. It was only hair after all. It more or less just got in the way when it got out of hand. Anyway, there I was, bra-ed and panty-ed and in full make up, at Cassidy’s insistence, ready to go to the biggest awards show in the country. Cassidy, one of my best friends since forever, was nominated for her work in cinematography for a big, fancy movie – or motion picture, so she calls them – and roped me into being her plus one.
“Come on!” she said, elongating the vowels with breathy exasperation at my reluctance to accept her invitation. “You never leave this place anymore. They’ll get by without you for one weekend. You know J.T. will never let anything happen.”
That was true, but getting all duded up for a night on the town was never a particular interest of mine. I usually spent my nights mucking out the barn and putting out fresh straw for the animals for the night, as was my pre-bed time routine. Muck, shower, dinner, walk the dogs, scoop of ice cream, then bed. Not meals with more courses or forks than I would even know what to do with and clothes with more hoists and poofs than anyone would deem remotely functional. Nope. Not my cup of tea. Even tea was borderline on the list of all things fancy.
“I don’t think so, Cass. You know I don’t get into all that stuff. Besides I need to get to that roof on the barn corner, it’s sagging worse than before and we’re supposed to get some weather next week, so,”
Cass groaned loudly enough to drown me out, which made me laugh. She never really cared about all the work it took to keep up with this place. Of course, I didn’t either when we were little and spent all summer running around the manicured fields and cleanly swept barns pretending we were regal landowners with acres and acres to farm. Or at least I was. Cassidy liked to pretend she was a color. She’d touch things that were already green and say ‘look how green I made this’ – yeah, she was weird. Her elongated groan died down with her eyes finally coming out of their perpetual roll. “You’re going. That’s all there is to it. You have to do something other than putter around this place.”
It was my turn to roll my eyes, but it was useless to point out managing 840 acres involved more than just puttering around. She wouldn’t get it even if I did.
“When was the last time you even left the property? And going to the grain elevator, lumber yard, or hardware store doesn’t count!”
I gave her a look. Of course, I’d been to other places than that in the past, say, month or so. I tried to think back. Uh oh.
“Ha!” Cass trumpeted, causing me to startle out of my pondering. “I knew it! It’s been months! When was the last time you even bought a new pair of shoes?” She asked, eyeing my muddy boots.
“Hey!” I shot back. “These ARE new.”
The eye rolling resumed, so I thought it best not to mention that, while the boots were a fairly recent purchase, I did buy them during my last trip to the afore-mocked hardware store. And they were on clearance. Cassidy wouldn’t understand a purely functional and non-boutique wardrobe purchase. And she really wouldn’t understand clearance.
“IF,” I began loudly, “I say yes and decide to take you up on this generous offer,” I grinned and batted my eyelashes at her, pretending to be someone who actually would enjoy such an outing. “I will not consent to be your Barbie doll. I will do my own hair.” Cass’s lip curled. “I will do my own makeup.” Her mouth bent down into a full grimace and her nostrils flared. “AND I will pick out my OWN clothes.” She abandoned the grimace and let her jaw drop entirely. “Yes. No stylists. No professional hair and makeup team. I’ll show up, happy as a lark and perfectly giddy to bask in your cinematographic glory,” I bowed at the waist with a twirl of my hand in her honor, “but you don’t get to treat me like a show pony. Deal?”
Cass was quiet, looking me up and down from muddy boots to half shaved head, but didn’t immediately shoot me down. I took that to mean she was considering my offer. An offer I thought was more than fair. “Fine,” she said in a contemptuous tone. “Just try your best to, ya know, look presentable.”
“I will,” I replied. “I’ll even knock the mud off my new boots.”
Cass afixed me with a stony, unamused expression. “Not funny.”
I laughed anyway.
So, here I was standing in front of the full length mirror in Cass’s massive, marble guest bathroom in her house in the hills of Los Angeles wearing pin curls atop my half shaved do, eyes sufficiently shadowed and lips sufficiently sticked, dressed in a full length gown I’d worn to homecoming with J.T. my senior year, which I thought had actually held up pretty well. It still fit, so that was a plus. I didn’t have to shop for a new one, so that was a plus plus. And when my mom brought it home for me almost 10 years ago she said the light blue brought out my eyes. The memory itself was worth agreeing to go to this event in the first place. I sighed and made my way down the curved staircase to the foyer, my dyed blue satin shoes clicking loudly on the white tile floor, and waited for Cass to come down the stairs. I would have sat down, but didn’t want to wrinkle my dress as I’m sure my friend wouldn’t have wanted, so I paced, timing the clicking of my shoes to keep up with the seconds ticking by.
Cli-ck, one, cli-ck, two…cli-ck, five hundred and forty three.
Everytime I turned my head to glance up the stairs, the big, white speckled bow on the shoulder of my dress kept hitting me in my face. Cass had told me to be in the foyer by noon and she was one of those annoyingly punctual types. Sometimes she was even early, but she was never late. I rolled my ruby lips together, fighting the urge to wipe the sticky mess off on the back of my hand. My calves were starting to burn from walking in these half-inch chunky heels. I wasn’t sure how I would make it through the night in them. I kicked them off and resumed my pacing on my panty hosed, cushioned feet.
Just as I was considering whether it may be worth the verbal bashing I would receive for ruining the integrity of my currently non-wrinkled dress, I heard Cass’s voice, but coming from the front door, not down the staircase. I whipped my head around, getting knocked in the face by the big, damn bow.
“What the hell?” I asked, knocking aside the bow and watching the half dozen people with assorted wardrobe bags and brightly colored tackle boxes filing in behind her. She was dressed in jeans, tapering around her ankle, a midriff exposing gray hoodie, and black, two-inch high stilettos. “You said we were leaving at noon?”
Cass tipped her sunglasses down onto the tip of her nose. “No, I said meet me in the foyer at noon.” Her eyes traveled down to my stockinged feet and back. “And, boy, are we lucky I did.” She winked, grinning and turning to address her entourage. “Ok, you three go and deal with her. I think the hair actually sort of works, but, Belsly, if you would just gloss it up a bit. Cherish, I am so sorry in advance, but, ya know, I told you to prepare yourself. Don’t let her out of the chair until that horrid lipstick is gone. Nona Gail,” Cass turned to the major wardrobe bag holder of the group, who was currently doing a remarkable job at mimicking Cass’s favorite lip-curl of disgust. She grasped her shoulder, taking in a deep breath. “I know. Trust me, I really do, but if anyone can do it…it’s you.” Nona Gail bit back her lip curl and replaced it with a look of shaky determination, giving Cass a single nod without looking away from my blue, taffeta dress with, now, a ruby lipstick smudge on the speckled bow that I was still pressing down onto my shoulder to keep out of my face.
The three glanced at each other with sympathetic brows and started toward me, heels clicking on the white tile like an oncoming horde of locusts. “No! We made a deal! No Barbie doll! You agreed!”
“Yeah. Well sweetie, I lied. See you in a couple hours!” Cass waved an annoying, cheerful wave visible over the heads of my kidnappers as they dragged me away.
Damn it.
My captors marched me through the hall to the kitchen. The one Cass called Cherish took my shoulders and forced me down onto a stool next to the vast counter, upon which she rolled out her bags of tools and tricks, like a gangster with a penchant for removing fingernails. I would have resisted, but I was too busy planning my revenge on Cassidy. The front running thought was finally offering the farm as a shoot location for the screenplay her friend was working on. I’d invite all her big time friends – the three horsemen of the apocalypse currently buzzing around my head included – to have a look and then figure out a way to dunk them all into the lagoon. PS – just FYI, a lagoon on a farm isn’t like your normal everyday, run of the mill lagoon. Think of it like the Blue Lagoon, but brown… for a reason… get the drift?
Cherish grabbed a cotton ball, smashed it half a dozen times on top of this vial filled with blue liquid, pressed it to my face and rubbed. Hard. I glared at her, but she didn’t seem to either care or notice. She wordlessly accepted another soaked cotton ball from Belsly, the thin black-haired beautician commanded by Cass to gloss up my hair, now acting as scrub nurse.
“Astringent.” Cherish commanded. Belsly complied. Whatever astringent was stung.
“Moisturizer.” A small round container appeared in Cherish’s hand.
“Look up.” Not sure what it would accomplish by Belsly looking up, I furrowed my brow.
“No,” Cherish commanded again, poking a finger at the crease between my eyes. “You. Look up. And never do that. You already could use some botox, but we don’t have the time. Just don’t do that,” she said, poking me again.
I exhaled and looked up. If this night wasn’t so important to Cassidy, I would’ve poked her forehead right back all the way across the room into the stainless steel, five burner stove that I’m sure Cass hadn’t used once. But it wasn’t about me. Cassidy had worked hard on this project and tonight was about her. I could suck it up for one night.
So, I womaned-up and allowed Cherish to repeatedly paw at my face with little circles covered in different shades of beige. It was all going good too…until Cherish came at me with a silver contraption that looked like a device to entrap my skin until I spilled all my secrets.
“Whoa! No! What is that?” I asked, dodging my face from the fearsome clasp of death.
Cherish let out an exhale. “It’s an eyelash curler, darling. Look up.”
“No!” I bobbed. I weaved. Belsly ran around behind me and put a hand on each side of my head to try and secure the position. Nona Gail, who’d been watching the proceedings with complete disregard, sighed. Deeply. But I didn’t care. “Get. That. Away,” I said, grabbing Belsly by the wrist and putting my foot down.
Cherish stopped trying to cobra strike the curler on my darting eyes and fixed me with a stare. “Fine. I have other ways. Tip your head back.”
I didn’t move. Cherish exhaled. “Okay. Look,” she crooned, “Mr. Big Bad eyelash curler is going away. See?” She set it down on the counter and slid it away.
“Let’s go with lips. I’ve been dying to get at these anyway. Lip conditioner and exfoliating lip brush please, Belsly.”
I sucked back a growl and let them get on with it, keeping my eye on that damn eyelash curler.
After my lips, cheeks and, for some weird reason, eyebrows, (who the hell messes with an eyebrow?), Belsly had begun to fret about the lack of time left to put sufficient sheen on my hair so abandon his nursing post. He began doing something to the top of my head that I couldn’t see, but felt great. I was pretty relaxed and didn’t even think to complain when Cherish was, again, back at my eyes with mascara and what appeared to be a tiny hair dryer that had the force of a jet engine to dry and, I assume, curl my eyelashes by sheer force of wind. I didn’t doubt that it worked.
Nona Gail started popping in and putting random scraps of material next to my face and either cringing or nodding.
Finally, Cherish and Belsly backed away simultaneously, turning my face this way and that, I assume, to see it in a different light.
Turning to each other, they grinned as though they’d pulled off the biggest heist in the history of make-uping. Which, considering my hatred, they probably did.
I felt like a prize pig.
Nona Gail moved in, taking the tips of my fingers and lifting them, raising me from the stool. She twirled me around and walked me – yes, I was walked, like a dressage pony – to one end of the kitchen back to the other on panty hosed feet. Nona Gail stopped, tilting her head back and forth, before exhaling in devine ceremony and retreating to her array of garment bags. Choosing one she unzippered back the zipper slowly, paused and flopped the plastic cover aside with a flourish.
Cherish gasped.
Belsly made a giddy squeaking sound.
I furrowed my brow.
“Don’t,” Cherish commanded, pointing to my forehead, now apparently having my need for botox on radar.
Nona Gail walked forward, twisted me around, unzipped my dress and attempted to shimmy it down my arms right then and there in front of the whole world. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I asked, holding the dress to my chest protectively before the whole world saw what only one person had ever seen.
Nona Gail stopped trying to shimmy and rose slowly, finally resting her eyes on mine as she reached my height. “Sweetheart. I know this must be strange to you, but it would go much smoother if you stopped fighting us. We’re already on a schedule and if you don’t allow us to finish our job, we will undoubtedly be late and Miss Cassidy will be enormously displeased when she arrives at the award ceremony after all of the awards have been given. As her friend, please allow me to dress you. I will not do anything you are uncomfortable with, if what you find distasteful is more important to you than your friends happiness and well being.”
She stared at me unwaveringly until I held up my arms. I couldn’t bear to watch, so closed my eyes and for the first time since before I could remember someone other than myself dressed me.
God, how humiliating.
I was stripped completely of my dress, panty hose, bra, and panties. I tried to pretend I couldn’t feel the wind chill against my fully nude skin standing on Cassidy’s kitchen floor. I wouldn’t let the three of them have the satisfaction of knowing it bothered me. Cassidy was my friend and they wouldn’t guilt me into ruining her night.
I even let Cherish’s giggling comment of “Good thing this isn’t a swimsuit function,” under her breath and Belsly’s reply of “and nothing sleeveless…” slide off my currently exposed back. I knew to what they were referring, but a bikini wax was a notion I’d never entertained. I swam in shorts anyway. And it’d been a while since I wore a tank top. And it was wintertime.
Screw them anyway.
Finally, after being repantied with my first ever thong underwear, being the receiver of some odd adhesive boob side lift monstrosities, and forced to be slithered into what felt like a material so flowing I could hardly recognize its existence under certain circumstances, I opened my eyes. Nona Gail slid a pair of black strappy way-too-pointy heels under my nose. The heel, if you could even call it that, looked no bigger than a pin point.
“Arms please,” Nona Gail said.
I stared at the pinpoint heels, then back to Nona Gail. “I’m gonna go ahead and assume those are a pair of very gaudy earrings.”
Nona Gail stared back. “Arms please,” she said again.
I scoffed. No more for me. I’m done. I turned, heading back through the kitchen and entered the foyer. My light blue chunky heels I’d kicked off earlier were gone.
Cherish’s phone buzzed and she announced that Cassidy would be meeting us presently. I stood in the foyer, flat footed and arms folded, not even sparing a glance at Nona Gail or her henchwomen. Moments later Cassidy indeed floated down the stairs in a perfect impression of Scarlett O’Hara, until she saw me at the bottom of the stairway and froze.
“My god.” Cassidy clutched her chest. “Nona!!! How? What? My god,” she said again. I assumed she was mocking me. Mockery was a Cass classic. “Nona Gail, darling. If it wasn’t for her normal resting bitch face, I wouldn’t even know it was her! OH. MY. GOD! Bravo babies!”
I snorted and rolled my eyes, catching my reflection in the mirror on the black side table.
I startled.
Holy shit. Was that me?
A plunging white pant suit (hence the need for the squishy boob holders) willowed my frame. A dark smokey ring around my eyes made the already light blue look like they were plugged in to some sort of glowing power source. My lips were lighter and, seemingly, bigger than they usually were. How was that possible? I puckered them back at myself to make sure they were real. Was I taller? I backed up. I looked taller. I was still unconvinced it was me, but whoever this chick in the mirror was looked good.
“What about the shoes?” Cass asked, moving forward and circling me, taking in my new look from head to toe.
Nona Gail didn’t say a word, but simply held up the shoes and stared in a bored fashion to Cassidy.
“Ah, right,” Cass replied, finally meeting my eyes. “Okay, sugar. Okay. I know this is all crazy to you, but you know this night means a lot to me. I’m not going to force you to wear these.”
I snorted in an ‘I’d love to see you try’ kind of way.
Cass smiled in an ‘if I didn’t just get my nails done you know I could take you’ grin. “But perhaps we could make a deal.”
My eyes narrowed. “I’m listening.” I wasn’t sure what Cass would offer. I didn’t need her money, didn’t want her fame, and sure as hell didn’t plan on wearing those god damn shoes.
Cass cleared her throat. “If you do this one little night for me, just like I dreamed it could be, I will…,” she paused with seeming distaste at the potential offering and closed her eyes, “I will extend my services as a farm hand for one week. No complaining. No whining. I’ll muck, and herd, and plant, and…whatever else you ask of me the whole time.”
I grunted.
Then, she held up her pinky.
Oh. Wow. She was serious.
Of course, I didn’t technically need her help. She would undoubtedly be more of a pain in the ass than she claimed. I would probably have to go behind her and re-do all of her tasks. On the other hand, she’d be suffering six days longer than I would if I put on those shoes and went through with this dog and pony show. That just might be worth it.
Acquiescing, I too bore my pinky. If she got too annoying, there was always the lagoon idea. “Deal.”
Cherish and Belsly each moved forward to grab an elbow to support me as Nona leaned down and buckled me into the final piece of this eternally infuriating puzzle.
“You actually expect me to walk in these things?”
Belsly answered. “You have to walk on your tiptoes. The heel actually has almost nothing to do with it until you are standing still and can give your calves a break.”
Doing a guided test run with their help, I understood what he meant as I stopped to perch upon the most non-load bearing strip of wood you’d ever seen. I was kind of surprised it even worked. An architectural miracle, if you thought about it.
Then finally, for the first time in the last what seemed like billion years, I wasn’t being pawed at by a stranger. I shook myself off, just happy that this portion of the evening was over and followed Cass toward the door, the three helpers/horsemen tittering away behind me in unfamiliar terms of jibber jabber.
Now, all I had to do now was hold Cass’s purse and smile like an idiot behind her while she accepted her award and hang back while she received the deserved adoration of her peers.
Let the games begin.

Chapter 2…. Your turn!!! =)